Answering Questions Children Have About Death

Kids may have a lot of questions about death.  I know Rachel did.  She was 8 years old when Robby died, and even though she didn't ask many questions early on, she has asked many questions over the course of the past year (and asked some questions more than once.)  Her biggest fear was that something would happen to me, and the question she asked the most was "What will happen to me if you die, Mom?"

Here's a book that might be helpful for those who are answering questions and trying to explain death to a young child:



Here are some typical questions that may be asked by the child when a parent has died:

Is death like sleeping?
Death is different from sleeping. When you go to sleep your body still works. You still breathe and your heart beats and you dream. When a person is dead, his or her body doesn't work anymore. Remember that children who are told that death is like sleeping may develop fears about falling asleep.

Why did they die?
If the death was from an illness, explain that the person's body couldn't fight the sickness any more. It stopped working. Make sure your children know that if they get the flu or a cold, or if mom or dad get sick, their bodies can fight the illness and get better. Their bodies still work. Explain that people do not usually die when they get sick. Most people get better. If the death was from an accident, explain that the person was hurt so badly that his or her body stopping working. Explain that when most people get hurt they can get better and live a long, long time.

Will you die? Will I die?
Children are looking for reassurance. Let your child know that most people live for a very long time. Children also need to know who will take care of them if a parent or guardian dies. Let them know who to go to for help if there is a family emergency.

Did I do or think something bad to cause the death?
Maybe your child had a fight with the person who died. Maybe your child wished this person wasn't around to get so much attention from other family members. Maybe your child said, "I wish you'd go away from me," or even "I wish you were dead." Reassure your children that saying and wishing things do not cause a death to happen.

Will they come back?
"Forever" is a hard concept for young children to understand. They see that people go away and come back. Cartoon characters die and then jump up again. Young children may need to be told several times that the person won't be back ever.

Is she cold? What will he eat?
Young children may think the dead body still has feelings and walks and talks under the ground. Some children might imagine a cemetery as a sort of "underground apartment complex." You may need to explain that the body doesn't work anymore. It can't breathe, walk, talk or eat anymore.

Why did God let this happen?
Answer questions related to God and your faith according to your own beliefs. You may also want the counsel of your clergy. It's okay to not have answers for everything. Children can accept that you, too, have a hard time understanding some things. It is best to avoid suggesting God "took" someone to be with him, or that "only the good die young". Some children may fear that God will take them away too. They may try to be "bad" so that they won't die, also.

Returning to School
Going back to school following a death can be difficult. You can make this easier by helping your children with possible answers to questions and remarks. Schoolmates may not always be sensitive to your children's feelings. Tell the child that, if they don't want to, they don't have to answer questions. Explain that others may be uncomfortable talking about the person who died. Your home can be a place where you and your child can talk about and remember the loved one. You may want to talk with the school principal, your child's teacher, the school social worker, or counselor, to plan for a surviving child's return to school. You may also want to discuss what information you would like shared with his/her classmates.

Taken from How Can I Help Young Surviving Children

Reaching Out To The Hurting

(Found this on a website recently, and wanted to share it.  I have included my own perspective in parts.  It all rings true - and it speaks from my heart.)

Reaching Out to the Hurting

There she is, the newly widowed mom. Your heart hurts for her, but you don’t approach her. You just don’t know what to say. She looks your way and you pretend not to see her. You see intense grief in her eyes and you look away. You feel guilty and squeeze your husband’s hand. Seeing her awakens a fear that you have tried to keep buried—fear that something similar could happen to your family. It is natural for us to feel these emotions and pull away. It is difficult to know what to do and what to say to someone whose spouse has died. I have been on both sides of the situation and I implore you to let God expand your comfort zone and reach out.

Each individual’s grief is unique, yet every widow and widower is struggling to figure out how to function as half of a couple. One of the many intense emotions is feeling alone. Widows and widowers don’t want to be pitied. Instead they long for friends that are willing to encourage them on their journey.

Don’t avoid the widow or widower.
It communicates that no one cares. No matter the reason, we feel forgotten and abandoned.

Please pray and let the widow or widower know that you are praying.
Many, many times the prayers of my friends, as well as other Christians I have never met, have carried the girls and me through intensely emotional times. Knowing others were praying gave me the strength to keep breathing and continue putting one foot in front of the other.

Please reach out.
Many people often think family and friends have been reaching out to the grieving family, but fewer people are reaching out than you think, especially after the first three months as well as after the holidays are over. Don’t expect widows and widowers to seek you out. Grieving itself is intensely draining. We are also juggling work, helping children with their grief, legal and financial issues, and many other situations that we must face without our spouse. We have already felt family and friends pull away and we don’t risk being hurt again. You need to be the one to approach the widow or widower. What do you say? “We’ve been praying for you and the kids and I was wondering how you are really doing?” Then really listen. Or “I don’t know how you feel or what to say. But if it’s alright I’ll just sit here and let you know I care.”

Don’t be afraid you’ll make us cry.
Our tears don’t mean that you have hurt us. Our grief is our constant companion. Tears just mean our spouse was very special to us, and we miss them immensely. Let us feel it is okay to cry. Offer us a tissue, squeeze our hand, or put your hand on our shoulder. Better yet, weep with us.

Please speak our spouse’s name.
There is a special comfort to the girls and me when someone speaks Robby’s name, especially when they share a good memory or what they miss about him. Hearing my spouse’s name on the lips of others is like warm sunshine on a cold cloudy day; it’s soothing to the soul.

Don’t say “Call if you need anything.”
Often we don’t know exactly what we need and even if we do, it is very difficult to ask. Instead offer specific help. “I made a double batch of lasagna; I’ll bring it over around five.” and then include the recipe. “Could my son come mow your lawn or shovel your driveway?” “We are on the way to the park. Could your kids come with us? You could come along or enjoy some quiet time at home which ever you prefer.” “Could my husband and I come over and see how we could help you get the house ready for winter?” Sit by us during the choir concert or soccer practice, or at church. It is comforting to not sit alone.

Please keep your word.
Not keeping your word implies the same thing as avoiding us. Children are keenly aware of those who show they care, and those who don’t. Their whole world has turned upside down when a parent dies. Their security is shattered. Their trust is shaken. Their emotions are as tangled up as a ball of yarn. Show them they can count on you.

Don’t give advice unless asked.
Trust me, unsolicited advice is always in abundance for widows and widowers. Everyone else seems to know what to do about things we are unsure about. Our whole world has been turned upside down. We have had something happen that we did not have control over and are trying to listen to how God wants us to handle things. The more unwanted advise, the harder it is to discern God in it all.

Don’t judge our children.
As I said before, their emotions are a tangled mess. Sometimes their grief comes out as sadness, but often it is masked in anger, rudeness, depression, hyperactivity, or inattentiveness. Events you may consider normal in your everyday lives could be a grief trigger for our children. Again, don’t pity them. Be kinder than necessary yet lovingly firm.

Please share your spouse.
Let me clarify this. Don’t jump to conclusions or assumptions when a widow or widower talks to your spouse. We are used to hearing a different gender’s perspective on various issues. Letting us talk with your spouse in an appropriate setting is very helpful. I am very grateful to the ladies who have let me talk with their husband’s about lawyers and legal matters as well as landscaping and cars without jumping to the conclusion that I was a desperate woman trying to steal their husbands.

Please remember.
Special days like our wedding anniversary, anniversary of the death, birthdays (the missing spouse’s too) Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and holidays are especially difficult. A call, a small gift, a card, or email around these times is very meaningful. Before I was widowed, I thought after a year things were better. I now know that grief has no timetable. Like many widows and widowers, my first year was about survival, making it through all the “firsts” without my husband. The next year will be one of harsh realities that my husband will never be here again. I still have days when grief waves overwhelm me and my mind gets blanketed by fog.

Please continue being there.
We need to talk and share. We need friends who will listen without judgment and refresh us with their prayers and encouragement. We need friends who rally us to press on when we want to throw in the towel.

"Learning to Breathe Again"

Find it at Amazon.com

There is a book that I have been meaning to find - it's written by Christian singer Tammy Trent, and it's called "Learning to Breathe Again."  I found a bit about it online, and wanted to share what I had found.  My next stop is the website of the local library, to see if I can't reserve this for the next time I venture in there to pick up a DVD or book.  :)

"Christian singer/songwriter Tammy Trent and her husband had a fairy-tale marriage, right up to their romantic vacation to Jamaica in September 2001. But on a routine diving excursion, her husband Trent never resurfaced and was later found dead, changing Tammy's life forever. She took a year off from music to grieve and begin healing, and is now using Trent's story as part of her testimony and ministry. Tammy tells her story in her brand-new book, Learning to Breathe Again, in which she tells of their wonderful romance, Trent's tragic death, and how she has been picking up the pieces since.

In the following excerpt, we pick up the story two weeks after Trent's death and shortly after the funeral, when Tammy is returning to her Nashville home. She had asked a neighbor, Shannon, to pick her up at the airport and take her to the house.

We didn't say a lot on the ride from the airport. But when we pulled into our neighborhood, I began crying. Shannon reached over and took my hand, but neither of us said anything. She pulled into the driveway. "Are you sure you don't want me to go in with you, Tammy?" she asked.
"I'm sure. But thank you, Shannon."

"If you need anything, you know I'm here." She lived just a couple of doors away.
I nodded, thanked her, and gave her a hug.

Then I punched in the code to open the garage door. Hearing the familiar noise as it rumbled up, a morsel of memory flashed through my mind: Trent and me coming out through the garage, carrying our luggage to the car, big smiles on our faces and happy to be on our way to Jamaica.

My eyes fell on Trent's yard shoes, lined up next to the door leading into the house. He wore them when he was mowing the grass or working outside, and he always took them off before he came inside. I looked at those shoes and pictured Trent leaving them there, lifting out one foot, then the other.

I opened the door and stepped into the house. Everything was exactly as we had left it. There was the DVD lying out beside the TV: Patch Adams. We had watched it together the night before we left for Jamaica. Trent loved that movie, and we had both wiped away tears at the end, where Patch loses the love of his life.

I walked quietly through the house. I didn't weep uncontrollably, but the tears rolled down my cheeks, and occasionally I covered my mouth to keep from sobbing aloud. I sat down in the living room and looked around, then I got up and walked through every room on the first floor.

Finally I started up the sixteen stairs, clinging to the stair rail to pull myself up every step. I stepped into our bedroom and looked around at everything as though I'd never seen it before. And yet it was all so familiar: the pillows arranged just so on the bad, the picture on the dresser, Trent's underwear on the floor. I smiled, remembering how I'd said, "Honey, pick that up," but in the rush to leave that morning, he'd obviously forgotten it.

In our bathroom, I rubbed my hand along the big bathtub we'd shared so many times. I imagined Trent sliding under the surface, holding his breath. There were candles all around the edge of the tub, and I noticed a little matchbook leaning against one of them. Not knowing why, I opened it up, and there, in Trent's writing, was a message to me: "Hi, TT!" He'd drawn a big heart around the words.

It was as if he had left that little matchbook for me to find at exactly that difficult moment. My heart lurched, imagining him writing the words.

Inside our walk-in closet, I pulled a bunch of Trent's clothes off the hangers and sank to the floor, burying my face in them. I lay there a long time, weeping and trying to breathe in Trent's scent, trying to feel his presence again in those rumpled clothes;

A little bit later, I walked into our office. I started the computer, and as the screen lit up, I caught my breath when I saw a little yellow square in the lower left-hand corner. It looked like a sticky note stuck there on the screen, and it said, "Tammy is who I dream of. Can't wait to see you."

Can't wait to see you.

I sat there, stunned, by the messages Trent had left for me to find. First the matchbook, and now the computer. I was amazed at how Trent continued to comfort me, even from heaven ..."

Here's the site where I found this excerpt.

You can find Tammy's book at Amazon.com

And the grief goes on ...

In a previous post I talked about the vacation that my daughters and I just returned from ... a week of sun and fun in Southern California, seeing Disneyland and many other fun attractions - and making memories.

But now we are home, Oldest Daughter has returned to college and Youngest Daughter is still enjoying another month of summer before school starts.  I am back to work, having done all the laundry that required doing and weeded the garden that grew dramatically while we were gone.  OK, honestly I've only partially weeded it so far ... but I'm working on it.  :)

Last night I sat down after Youngest Daughter was in bed, and put in a DVD to watch.  It was "P.S. I Love You" - a poor choice for the night, it turns out.  It's always been a favorite, but for obvious reasons has been hard to watch for the past year or so.  Well, I tried it again last night - and the pain was still there.  Cried and had to turn it off after about the first 30 minutes.  Still reminds me too much of the pain of losing my husband.  I have found that I am still on this road of grief ... or should I say, I had a pitstop in Grief-ville last night.  A reminder that it's not over yet.  Far from over ... but getting better.

So here are some thoughts to share, for those who are on this road along with me:

"Your Grieving Heart" - Recover From Grief website

There are three major points for you to keep in mind as you go through your "work of mourning":

• You will have your own unique way of expressing and experiencing grief. As long as it is changing, and moving, and "fluid", it is normal grieving.
  
• WHAMO! Brought to your knees again by intense grief. And you'll wonder if you are making any progress at all. You are. The passage of time assures this.
  
  
  
• It really will come to an end. In it's own time. You will come back to life with loving remembrance in your heart, ready to embrace life again without your beloved at your side. You will gradually feel stronger and more in charge of your life. It really does end.
  

I Gotta Get Me Some Stilettos

I am sharing with you a great book that I read recently.  If you are a widow (or know a widow) you will want to read this book (or share it with your friend.)  Here it is:

This is a great book - very honest about what it's like to be a young widow who is raising children.  Here are some of the reviews for the book, taken from the Amazon.com website:

"Carole Brody Fleet is changing the face and style of widowhood. It's a very unique look at an unusual problem these days that is affecting a lot of women." - Deborah Roberts, Correspondent, ABC News', "Good Morning America Now"

"Motivational speaker and coach Fleet, who was widowed at 40 and has since made numerous guest appearances on television and radio, offers a guide for women who have also experienced the loss of a partner at a young age. Fleet's presentation is frank and interspersed with bits of honest humor. The text is easy to read, with charts and tips sprinkled throughout. Fleet, with psychotherapist Harriet, provides information on how to organize details such as funeral arrangements, wills, social security, and insurance at a time when organization is the last thing a new widow may want to face. She discusses emotional, physical, and spiritual health and finishes by focusing on living the rest of your life. This is a book about hope, and women will want to read it and share it with others, regardless of marital status or age. An essential addition to every public library" - The Library Journal

"[The] author has created a wise and practical guide for young widows on how to recover, cope, heal, and find a fulfilling life." - Orange Coast Magazine

"Carole Brody Fleet offers advice and humor in the book,' Widows Wear Stilettos...' to help young widows cope with loss." - The Orange County Register

"A young widow holds out a helping hand to others who have lost their husbands" - The San Diego Union-Tribune 

Most of the books that deal with widows and "widow-hood" that I have heard about or checked out from the library are geared toward those who are widowed later in life, whose children are grown and out of the house.  This book is unique in being practical and yet sensitive to the concerns of younger widows.  There are many stigmas still associated with being a widow, especially when you are "younger"  (can I still count myself a a "young widow?"  I guess according to this book I can.)

My biggest "take away" from reading this book was to remember that there are many "armchair quarterbacks" out there that have lots of advice - but you need to trust your own instincts and your heart.  Grief is a tricky emotion and only YOU can (and should) make the choices about what's best for you.  And it gives you practical tips about dealing with some common problems associated with navigating this time of grief.  Let me know what you think about the book!  :)

Here is Carol's blog as well:  Widows Wear Stilettos blog

Gotta love the family!

One thing that I am finding to be very helpful in dealing with my grief and the grief of my daughters is my family members, and our closeness - not just in proximity, but emotionally, too.  We have always been a close-knit family and I am so thankful for that now.

It's tough being the only parent.  I am the most important adult in my daughters' lives right now, and that can feel overwhelming at times.  There is no one to "back me up" when it's time for discipline, and no one to share the joys and small victories with either.  It is very lonely being a widow.  Sure, during the day there is lots of hustle and activity. Lots to be done and distractions are easy to come by.  But when the house gets quiet and dark - that's a different story.  My tears tend to catch up with me in the shower, when I am getting ready for bed each night.

It's important for my daughters (and for me) to have other adults in their lives to help and support them over this difficult time.  And let's not kid ourselves - "this difficult time" is going to be around for awhile.  Every time there is a new milestone reached, there will also be a look backward, wishing that Dad was here to be a part of it.  We carry that loss forward with us from now on.

But having their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins close at hand helps to let them know they are not alone, and there are others looking out for them as well.  One of Rachel's biggest fears has been that something would happen to me - that she would lose BOTH her parents.  Making sure she knows that there are family members that love her and would take care of her, should something happen to me, has helped a little to allay her fears.

We are blessed to have my brother, my sister and her husband, my parents, and close family friends whom we consider family all nearby.  The guys are on call whenever I need help with the lawnmower, or a garden tilled, or advice on how to pressure wash the house or start the Traeger grill.  And there are cousins nearby for the girls to hang out with, and enjoy some time away from Mom and her harping at them.  :)

You can't pick your family - God does that for you.  I think He did a pretty good job in my case - I feel very blessed!

In case you were wondering ...

About the title of this blog.  You already must have guessed that this is about grief and loss, and surviving all the challenges and changes associated with that state of being.  So it probably won't surprise you to find that the Bible verse referenced in the title is about widows and the fatherless:

Psalm 68:5

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,

is God in his holy dwelling. 

OK, that takes care of the verse part.  Here is the definition of "Restoral":

: an act of restoring or the condition of being restored: as a: a bringing back to a former position or condition : reinstatement <the restoration of peace> b: restitution c: a restoring to an unimpaired or improved condition

It's a noun, and means restoration, but it's an older form of the word.  And I like old words.  :)

So my daughters and I are trusting God for these promises:  that He will be a father to them now that their earthly father is no longer here, and that God will also be my protector and defender.  AND because of His great love, He will restore to us what has been lost, over and above what we expect or deserve.  How's that for a great promise!

So there you have it - why this blog is called what it's called.

New Beginnings at mid-year

This is a new beginning for me.  July 2nd, 2012.  It's been just over a year since my husband, Robby, passed away and I became a widow.  I am hoping this blog can benefit not only me, but others as well.  For me, I want this to allow me to work through some things as I slowly "hunt and peck" out my feelings and struggles.  And believe me, when you are raising a young child (and a not-so-young child) as a single mom after 20 years of marriage - there will be struggles.  Lots of them.

For others, maybe this can become a window into what it's like to put the pieces back together again.  Trying to make all the right choices, and shouldering all the consequences alone.  God has taught me so much over the past year - well, two years actually.  Ever since Robby was diagnosed with a brain tumor in June 2010, and then his passing in June 2011 and the year since then, my dependence upon God has deepened tremendously.

We had a BBQ over the weekend that mirrored the BBQ we had last year after Robby's memorial service.  Robby passed away on Father's Day last year - needless to say, June was a tough month for my daughters and I this year.  But his birthday was June 30th so we had his memorial service, followed by a BBQ for family and close friends, on that day last year.  This year we repeated the BBQ and were blessed to have several family members join us.  Earlier in the day the girls each made a stepping stone in honor of their dad for the new flower garden we are planting.

It's been a year of great changes.  Well, great as in BIG, not great as in good.  But overall, we have made it through the year in the best shape possible.  It's still a long road - contrary to popular belief, there is no set time limit on grief.  Grief continues to haunt for a long time, although things do get easier (THEY say) as time goes on.  All the first-year anniversaries and milestones have passed.  We are settling into our "new normal" - seems like our normal changes periodically.  Just as soon as we would get used to changes in Robby illness that first year and adapt to those, something else would happen and we would have to adapt again.  And the past year without him has been no exception.  Change is the rule around here, but we are not a Marine wife/daughters for nothing - we improvise, we adapt, we overcome.  Life goes on, and we know that God holds us in the palm of His hand.