At the Three Year Mark

Well, today marks three years since my husband died.  Three years that sometimes seems to have been an eternity, and other times seems to have gone by in a heartbeat.  Depends on which day you ask me.


As I was driving home from work last night around 10 p.m. I suddenly felt very quiet inside, and a little empty.  The very next song that came on the radio made me tear up a bit.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.  It's not "that time of the month!"


During the drive home (it's a 30 min drive) I thought about what might be causing this sudden melancholy.  As I tried to shake this feeling, I switched gears to thinking about the rest of the week and what I had planned.  Then it dawned on me - today is the 18th of June.  And that meant that tomorrow (well, today as I write this) is June 19th.

THE day. 

June 19th, 2011 - Father's Day, that year.

They say that your conscious mind may not remember right away, but your body remembers.  Your unconscious always remembers; always keeps track of the days and dates.  And even though I don't mark time now quite the same way that I have over the past few years, I still am brought face to face with certain days - whether I want to be or not.

A post from my other blog, "Starting Over ... Again."

Here is a not-so-recent post from my other blog, which I have called "Starting Over ... Again."  I haven't posted anything recently on my blog here, so I thought I would share what's been going on in my life.


So please check it out - I hope you like it!  :)


Update on Training ... and please, lock your phones!


You can see more post about my new career, and what I have been up to, at this link:


"Starting Over ... Again"

What To Say ... And What Not to Say ... To Someone Who Is Grieving.

I am always on the lookout for great posts and articles to share about grief, grieving and resources out there for folks who are in the grief process.  (And it is a PROCESS.)

Here is a blog post that I stumbled across on Pinterest.  I can't wait to share it with you, because it is a great post about what to say and what NOT to say to someone who is grieving.

So many people struggle with this.  I know that so many of our friends and family didn't know what to say or do after my husband's death a few years ago.  It's hard to know what is the "right" thing to say - something that will comfort in some way, and not add to the burden or sadness.

This post says it clearly and concisely.  It's what I have tried to convey, both in speaking to friends/family and in this blog.

Here is the blog post, from the "I Think We Could Be Friends" blog.

I hope this helps someone to better understand how to help someone who is grieving, and relieves some of the awkwardness that might be felt when we simply don't know what to say.

Educators Need To Be Educated About Grief in Children

The topic of kids and grief, and the teachers that teach these grieving children is a subject near and dear to my heart.  After the death of my husband over 2 years ago, we have experienced the need for teachers to be better educated about dealing with grieving kids first-hand.

Last year my youngest daughter had a hard time in school.  Her first year following her father's death was difficult, but nowhere near as difficult as the year that was to follow.  That second year she "hit a wall" in many ways, and the biggest obstacle was her grief.  What made it so hard on my daughter was her teacher's inability to understand my daughter's grief, and to recognize it for what it was.

I feel strongly that teachers need to be better educated about grief in children; how to recognize it, and how to help the child deal with those feelings.

Here is a great PDF for teachers about that very thing.

It's from the New York Life Foundation website, and that site is packed with lots of resources for teachers and parents.

Brookes Publishing has a link on that site to a book called "The Grieving Student - A Teacher's Guide."  I am considering buying a copy (or two) for the teachers at my daughter's school.

It's not difficult for teacher's to learn more about grief in children, and the signs and symptoms exhibited by grieving children.  I know that most of our teachers put in a great deal of time and effort to be equipped to help our kids.  I am not trying to add to their pile of work.

But a little time to become educated about grief in children, its signs and symptoms, and how to assist a child through this most difficult of times is time well spent.  Children need a strong support system, and the more caring adults they have to turn to - the better.  :)

Pediatricians Can Be Helpful with Children's Grief

This is a great article about how helpful a child's pediatrician can be when dealing with grief.  It's important that the pediatrician be "dialed in" to the child's needs during that time, and be an additional caring adult in that child's life that the child can talk to about the emotions with which they are dealing.

We are very fortunate to have a family doctor that is very helpful in this respect.  He is very careful to look out for ALL of us in our emotional health, as well as our physical health.  He knows that there are physical aspects to grieving, and there are emotional aspects - and the two can overlap at times.  A physical reaction or symptom may well have an emotional cause.

So here is the link to the article.

"This presentation is important for 2 reasons: first, parents often look to pediatricians for guidance, and, second, children's physical symptoms can be manifestations of grief."

"A Crash Course in Grief Recover"

New Book Gives Readers ‘A CRASH COURSE IN Grief Recovery’

Author Tom Lord offers a guide to dealing with tragedy and loss and inner healing.

I just wanted to share with you a new book that I saw advertised.  It can be found at Barnes and Noble, or on Amazon.com.

I may have to read this myself, just to check out what he has to say.  It's written by a man who has spent his whole life helping families during their season of grief.

Click on this link to learn more about the book.

Caregiver Advice - Caring For A Loved One With A Brain Tumor

I came across an article today that I felt said a great deal about what it's like to be the caregiver for a family member that is faced with a brain tumor.  Even though it was written about Alzheimer patients and their caregivers, it very clearly expresses what the caregivers of brain tumor (especially GBM, or glioblastoma multiforme) patients experience as well.

"Family caregivers assisting a person with deteriorating brain functions experience several common emotions during the middle to later stages of this disease. The person closest to the ill person may feel guilt for past misunderstandings that can not be resolved now, sadness as he no longer sees his loved one showing the recognition of his presence that accompanied their earlier relationship, sadness as each ability to care for themselves is diminished.
The family caregiver moves through stages of denial, anger at the "roll of the dice" that made their loved one vulnerable to this disease, questioning of their faith, anxiety about his future and his ability to deal with the challenges ahead, fear of the financial burden caused by long term care and embarrassment over changing behaviors of the ill person.
Support group meetings offer families an opportunity to express these concerns in a safe environment where other caregivers will understand and perhaps offer hope for the future...a changed family dynamic where people make adjustments in their roles, find sources of strength, accept the physical and mental losses that accompany this disease and know that they are not alone."

Here's the link to the story.

There is such a storm of emotions that you experience on a daily basis.  So many changes in daily routines that need to be addressed, doctor appointments, medications that need to be administered, prescriptions that need to be filled, medical forms and releases to be filled out, insurance statements to organize and medical bills to pay ... and then the added stress of taking care of the needs of children and other family members.  Keeping extended family and friends updated on the condition of your loved one, maintaining a presence at your job (since you are now the breadwinner of the family, and disability payments don't kick in for 6 months after the diagnosis), etc.  It's overwhelming, to say the least.

I can only look back, from the vantage point of 3+ years later, and say that I could not have done what I had to do without God's help.  The sensation of being "carried" through that period of time is one that lives in my memory.  Not that I and my family weren't experiencing all that was happening to us and around us - we most certainly felt the heartbreak and confusion of dealing with all that GBM's can dish out as they tear through the brain - but even when things seemed the worst, there was the sense of unseen support.

If you are struggling with issues as a caregiver, make sure that you surround yourself with a support team for yourself.  You will need to have people that you can call on; whether that's to talk to over a cup of coffee, come and stay with your loved one while you run to the story or the pharmacy, pick your child up from school or take them to soccer, etc.  Sometimes it difficult to talk openly to people about what is happening in your family and in your life at this time.  But it's very important that you take advantage of your resources, in order to keep yourself from burning out.

You owe it to your loved one to be the best caregiver that you can be for them.  You are stronger than you realize, but remember that you don't have to go it alone!