Just saying "No" ...

Used to be so difficult for me.  I am a people-pleaser, by nature.  I have always had a hard time saying the word "no" ... OK, not to my kids (as I am sure they would tell you) but to others who would ask me to help with projects, take over lessons for them, fill in for them when they were too busy to do what they were supposed to, etc.

But I found out this week that my curse is being lifted.  I can now use the word NO and not feel sorry about saying it!

My mom called me on Tuesday night and told me that there was an important business meeting set up for the following morning in Salem at 8 a.m.  I work with my folks on the family farm, so it isn't unheard of for me to get calls like that.  I was expected to attend this meeting.  I didn't hesitate a moment - I told her that I could not make it at 8 a.m. but would be there by 8:30.  My daughter gets on the bus at 8 a.m. and Salem is 30 minutes away.  A few months ago, I would have told my mother I would be there  at 8 a.m. and then spent the next 1/2 hour worrying about how to make that happen, and then would have ended up calling my sister to see if she could put Youngest Daughter on the bus in the morning (thereby not only messing up our morning, but hers as well.)

I am so proud of myself!  And it didn't hurt a bit.

Another example - I am a member of the local fire department rehab team (we help out on the scene of large, multi-alarm fires by supplying food and water to the firefighters), and we have some training coming up over the next two months on Wednesday evenings.  I got an email this weekend from the director of our Sunday School program telling me that all the teachers (I am one of them) will have some special meetings about our new curriculum for the next 6 Wednesday evenings ... and some of those times will conflict with the rehab training for the fire department.  Without hesitation, I sent back an email explaining that I would be available for about half the trainings, but would not be available for at least three of them due to a prior commitment.  BOOM!  No guilt, no stressing over what I would do and how I would make time for both trainings.  Just explained the situation, and went on with my day.

This is so liberating!  I love being able to say NO with no guilt.  :)
Over the past two years ... well, almost two and a half years now ... I have been at the mercy of everyone else's needs and schedules.  Doctors appointments, radiation appointments, meetings with lawyers and bankers ... everyone it seems had a say in how I spent my day, my week, my month.  But now I am finding that its OK for me to say NO ... in a loud, clear voice ... and let it be.  Not feel guilty, and not stress about what will happen when I say NO.  I have dealt with enough ... I refuse to let others make me take on stress that is not mine in the first place.  That is my declaration for my life right now.  I will choose how my days will be spent, and how I will structure the hours in those days.

I feel stronger already!  :)

Slowing Down - Learning to Balance

It's been tempting to try to maintain our usual hurried pace this past year.  But I have learned a BIG lesson - we need to take time to heal, and that means slowing down.  If we are going to allow God to heal us individually and as a family we must give Him the time and space that He needs to accomplish that.  But you'd think I had never heard the verse, "Be still and know that I am God."  (Psalm 46:10)

I wonder if I have been running away from my grief, trying to bury it in a rush of activities?  You are supposed to try to maintain routines and schedules while you are grieving, to have a sense of normalcy after a tragic event.  This helps to stabilize us and gives us comfort.  But at times I think I have used that advice as an excuse.

I need to learn balance in this area.  I am just now (a year after Robby's death) realizing that I need to work at slowing down more often.  I guess I have always subscribed to the idea that you should "burn out instead of rust out."  Now I know that neither is a good option.

I have allowed Rachel and Becky more time and space to slow down than I have allowed myself.  I figured they would let their grief and subsequent healing guide how much they wanted to be involved in as far as activities, school events, family events, etc.  And that has worked very well.  They tell me when enough is enough, they don't feel like attending a certain event or activity.  Rachel used to take dance classes - every year for the past 3 years or so.  This fall when sign-ups came around she wasn't interested, so we dropped it and I didn't push.  Now that we are in summer vacation, she is asking what kind of sports or activities she can sign up for in the fall.  She needed this school year to get back some balance, and to push back from what may have been too much activity.

I haven't extended myself that same courtesy, it seems.  At least as far as guilt-ing myself into doing it all.  I have been trying to maintain the same pace as always, and feeling guilty whenever I didn't meet my own insane standards. 

I find myself now becoming more picky about the social activities in which I take part.  And I am (FINALLY) not feeling guilty about that.  Before, if I chose to turn down an invitation I would stay home - and feel guilty.  Now I can just stay home - and leave off the guilt.  Yeah for me!  I'm learning.  :)

I never used to get up early just to have time to myself.  But now I find I am enjoying getting up earlier and having a quiet house to myself, whether that's to read a chapter in a book or just enjoy a cup of tea - or both.  I am finding such a blessing in slowing down and taking quiet time just for myself.  The healing is occurring.  :)